toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just found puke in my bra..
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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