There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Vodka?
Forever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
