He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Randomize
