oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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