Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
