I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
