okay pat passed out under dana's car
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
