I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
