I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
