She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
