oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
