I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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