I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
