You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize