Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
