At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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