i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
