You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
