I faked an abortion last night.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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