im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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