He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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