he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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