I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
