Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
