I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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