I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The feeling are messing with the penis
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
