Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
