We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
