Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
