i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
