It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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