I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
