I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
