Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Someone came in the potted fern
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
