Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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