im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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