How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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