Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
