I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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