nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Come on in and take your pants off
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