drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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