It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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