so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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