Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
