Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
