shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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