Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
