How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
