I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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