im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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