Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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