You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
