I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
