what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
sex in a hospital.. check
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
