I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
