You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
