It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
