I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
