Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize