im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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